


hangs like lightning in the air

by SadieAndor



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: 2am is when we have a crisis and talk about our feelings, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Past Character Death, Rebel Rising Compliant, Some angst, and cuddling cause it's me, communicating! like functional humans!, i set out to write something romantic and this happened instead?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:47:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,463
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29415102
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SadieAndor/pseuds/SadieAndor
Summary: I’m not going anywhere,he said, like it’s a promise he can keep. He won’t be Mama or Saw, but nothing can prevent his being Hadder. Turned to space debris without her on a sunny afternoon.Jyn is anxious. A discussion is had. Cassian is very tired.
Relationships: Cassian Andor/Jyn Erso
Comments: 17
Kudos: 47





	hangs like lightning in the air

**Author's Note:**

> For the dailyrebelcaptain Valentine's day prompt "ever after"
> 
> Title from "Death or Glory" by Dustin Kensrue, which was my soundtrack for writing this. It's been a while since I read Rebel Rising so I might've gotten it wrong?
> 
> A super big thank you to briamarie38 for reading over this for me!

It’s not a dream that wakes Jyn. When she thinks about it, she can’t be sure whether she was asleep in the first place. The doors on the  _ Fraser _ don’t quite reach the floor, and the reddish light from the hallway outside spills into the room, casting dim shadows across the room in an insubstantial haze, and she wonders if maybe she’s dreaming now.

She almost hopes she is.

Cassian is warm beside her, fast asleep, worry lines smoothed on his forehead. The ship’s engine rumbles unobtrusively away. 

She’s safe. 

But there’s a voice echoing in her head, one she tries not to think about. She can’t silence it.

_ I can’t take myself away from you _ , Hadder said once. He meant it. But where had that gotten them? He’d left her anyway, without any say in the matter.

_ I can’t take myself away from you _ , he said, and turned to dust with the  _ Ponta One _ .

It was her the TIEs meant to evaporate when they fired. She shouldn’t have survived. She’s glad she did. And she hates that she’s glad.

Jyn stares up at the ceiling and suffocates

The silence is heavy and palpable, the only sounds the hum of the engine below them and Cassian breathing beside her. Not enough to be sure she’s hearing them. Not enough to be sure she’s here. The bed is too hot, stifling and sweaty and she can’t breathe.

_ I’m not going anywhere _ , Cassian said this morning. He meant it. She knows he’ll never be Mama or Saw, walking away of his own accord.

_ I’m not going anywhere,  _ he said, like it’s a promise he can keep. He won’t be Mama or Saw, but nothing can prevent his being Hadder. Turned to space debris without her on a sunny afternoon. Another day, another casualty, another tragedy. She knows she wouldn’t recover. It’s come too close too many times already. Struggling to breathe, she can’t stop her mind from replaying every one of them over and over again.

_ (his heart stops on the shuttle floor, his head in her lap) _

_ (blood pours from the blaster wound in his side, his eyes glassy and dim) _

_ (“Cassian,” she screams and his body lands crumpled with a sickening thud) _

She suffocates. There are tears behind her eyes. 

Like he can hear her terror, Cassian stirs. 

He rolls over with a small sound, reaches an arm out for her. Pulls her closer in his sleep. He nuzzles against her back with a quiet snuffling breath, and it breaks her.

The tears spill easy now, and it’s a matter of moments before she's well and truly a mess, keeping her choked, stunted sobs quiet but unable to stop herself from shaking.  _ Stars _ , she loves him.

He sleeps sounder now than he did the first times he slept beside her, but not through this. He’s awake in seconds, arms tightening around her while he finds his bearings.

“Jyn?”

She doesn’t turn around, breath hitching.

“Shh, Jyn, what’s wrong?”

She struggles for the air to answer him, but she can’t make her voice behave.

“Dream?”

She shakes her head, trying and failing to slow her breathing. Cassian sits up and guides her, so gentle, to do the same, slipping behind her, supporting her.

“Hey, it’s ok. You’re safe.”

She’s not, and neither is he. Not here, hurtling through space from one threat to another, not anywhere in a galaxy out to kill them. But for his sake, she draws in a longer breath and forces herself into some semblance of calm. He wraps an arm around her waist, and even though she’s burning up she lets him.

“That’s it. Breathe, Jyn.”

She does, matches her breathing to his while he runs his fingers through her hair. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers eventually, a lump in her throat. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

Cassian sighs behind her. “I wish you wouldn’t say that. You know I want to be awake if it will help you.”

She feels the same for him, of course, but it always feels wrong to disturb him. Jyn only shrugs.

“What’s wrong?” He asks again.

How can she tell him? How can she explain the fears she’s created for herself? The galaxy is vast and uncaring and he knows it already. What is there to be said?

“Talk to me, please,” he whispers, as the silence stretches on.

“Did you ever find out what happened to Siana?” She asks finally. Cassian’s quiet for a moment.

“No. Is that what this is about? We’ve talked about this.”

_ (“We met when I was nineteen ,” he told her, of the curly-haired young woman smiling from a holo on his datapad. “She was sent to extract me from the academy on Carida. We got stranded on Alderaan for a few weeks on the way back. She was… incredible.” _

_ “What happened?” She hadn’t specified what she meant. She hadn’t needed to. _

_ He looked down. “We were on separate missions when the Empire took out our base. I lost contact with everyone. Never got it back.” _

_ The next time she left, he pressed a secure two-way comm into the palm of her hand, the other tucked in his jacket. She’s brought it everywhere, since.) _

“I’m sorry -” Her breath catches on a sob. “I’m sorry you never found her.”

He pulls her hair back and sighs. “It’s alright. Please, tell me what’s going on?”

“I… This morning you said - you said you wouldn’t leave me,” she manages to choke out.

“And I won’t.”

“I know. I - I know, I just…” She’s struggling for breath again between words. Cassian finds her hand and squeezes it in his. “It’s something Hadder said.”

Behind her, Cassian is quiet. He lets her tremble against him, overheating and restless but unwilling to pull away, for a moment that stretches on in the time it takes her tears to slow. 

“Hey,” he murmurs eventually, nudging her back, “Get up with me?”

She can’t understand his goal, but still she’s compliant, standing on unsteady legs and letting him guide her into the hold. He flicks the kettle on and sits down across from her, holding her hand on top of the small table. 

“Is this about Hadder, then?” He asks softly. She knows he doesn’t ask in jealousy, or anger. There’s nothing but concern in the question.

“No,” Her panic is fading away. In the full light and cool air it’s easier to calm down. “I’ve just been remembering when he… when he died. It was over so fast.”

Cassian squeezes her hand, but doesn’t say anything.

“I couldn’t… I couldn’t bear to lose you the way I did him.”

He keeps his eyes on hers steady and quietly sad, and his hand in hers.

“You know I can’t promise you it won’t happen,” he says. And she does. Of course she does. “But I promise it will never be my choice.”

She knows that, too. But to hear it said out loud is different. He’s here, he’s with her. He’s chosen her.

The kettle clicks itself off, and wordlessly Cassian gets up to get them each a cup. They’ve been out of tea for a week and a half, but the gesture is no less appreciated. He sets a cup of hot water in front of her and sits back down across from her.

“I love you,” she says, softly.

“I love you, too.” He shifts around the corner of the bench, close enough to wrap an arm around her waist. “I wish I could promise you more.”

She makes a humming sound and leans into him. “I know you’re not going to leave me. That’s more than enough.”

He kisses her hair, and neither of them says anything more. Jyn sips her water, her heart rate finally slowing. They may never be safe, but together here on their own ship it’s close enough.

The silence stretches, comfortable, until Jyn finds her eyelids drooping, her head falling to Cassian’s shoulder. It’s late, and she’s finally tired.

“Cassian?” She says, loathe to get up when he’s here to lean against. 

No response. Carefully, she shifts to look at him. 

Of course. He’s fast asleep against the wall, and absolutely adorable.

“Cassian,” she murmurs, smiling, and runs her fingers through her hair. He stirs, huffs.

“Hmm?”

“Hey. I think it’s past your bedtime.”

“Mmm.” He yawns, blinking his eyes open, and looks down at her. “You’re ok?”

“Yes. Thank you.” She makes herself stand up and offers him her hand. “C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Back in the bunk, he pulls her down beside him, nearly asleep again already. The veil of fear gone, Jyn’s nearly there as well.

“Cass?”

“Mm.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course. Goodnight, Jyn.”

Still holding his hand, Jyn finally falls asleep.


End file.
